info

every now and then i think about how much of me is just a byproduct of a byproduct of a byproduct… i could not have chosen my own composition but i do have enough self awareness to dodge from whatever’s being offered to me as personal/social/professional development

i do know it’s not my fault to be so fundamentally connected from all kinds of stimuli and growing up online is certainly damaging but i do have the hope i won’t - or that i’m not just a collection of propaganda and regurgitated convictions i borrowed from someone else
n yea this is kind of how societies, for better or worse, have functioned (from nurturing ideas) but this liberal (i have to stop overusing this word) noise is just too much and im afraid i cant tell apart whats important and whats not anymore, right now i feel burnout because everything discussed here sounds meaningless as fuck
i constantly criticize my views and put my truths at risk because im very scared of being unchanging, but also - i see what a lack of structure and purpose does to a person and a community. i wanna go deeper into this someday but its just. if i don’t have a purpose and a structure then maybe it’s easier for me to get convinced of these convictions i’m so trying to avoid
in general i just feel like i’m in a quest to find myself in a room full of mirrors that reflect what i’m supposed to be or who i think i truly am. that’s a thing i see in my generation, and you could argue that’s always been like this, that we adopt ideas from the mainstream, but it really haunts me that some people (including me, maybe) would just disappear if internet wasn’t a thing
what i feel is like i am just a reference - a reflection of my own self who’s incredibly distant from a real person. i feel industrialized, artificial, custommade for a purpose. i feel like my existence does not belong to me, it belongs to serve living narratives and i absolutely hate it to be honest